When Anxiety Takes Over

Anxiety doesn’t always sound like racing thoughts. Sometimes it looks like throwing up at 2 a.m., shaking so hard you can’t keep your hand still, breaking out in hives, or landing in the hospital only to hear, “Your tests are fine.” We talk with Mimi about what it’s like to live with clinical anxiety that shows up in the body, especially while managing type 1 diabetes, gastroparesis, anemia, neuropathy, and the real stress that comes with chronic illness. 

Mimi walks us through how COVID changed her life, from repeated infections and rapid weight loss to social anxiety that made leaving the house feel dangerous. She also shares the trauma of being in crowded hospitals during the pandemic, witnessing deaths nearby, and how that experience trained her nervous system to expect the worst. We get honest about the moments where fear turns into isolation, depression, and the exhausting pressure of trying to look “fine” on the outside while panicking on the inside. 

We also talk about grief as a trigger, including the anxiety spiral after her grandmother passed and how a later breast cancer scare pushed her to the edge. Then we focus on what actually helps: therapy, weekly support, breathing and grounding, faith and prayer, the gym as a release valve, and one tool you can try today, writing down what’s true versus what your anxiety is inventing. If you’re searching for anxiety relief, panic attack coping skills, or mental health support while living with medical conditions, this conversation offers language, clarity, and hope without sugarcoating. 

If this resonated, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more listeners can find these stories. What physical signs tell you your anxiety is rising?

Transcript

Why Anxiety Gets Misread

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello everyone, I'm Dr. Beatrice Hippolyte, and this is your world. Hello everyone, welcome to your world with Dr. Beatrice Hippolyte. Today we are going to talk about a subject that is very interesting. It's a subject that affects millions of people but often misunderstood. And it is all about anxiety. For some, anxiety isn't just worrying, it can become so intense that it causes real physical symptoms. Sometimes it can even lead people to an emergency room. And today we have our guest who's brave enough to come and share her personal story. Welcome, Mimi.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Hi. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. It's a pleasure of having you. Thank you. Thank you. It's an honor to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Okay. Okay.

Mimi’s Health History And Diabetes

SPEAKER_01 1:10

So before we even dive into this subject, do you want to tell people who you are? Share a little bit about yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Sure, no problem. Hi, my name is Ledni Zhao Sime, but I go by Mimi. I am the grandchild, the second grandchild of former Sao Sime, who was an opera singer in the Haitian community, Haitian Christian community, and Flao Sime, who is also a known pastor and preacher. I am, I have my master's in business administration with a focus of marketing and management. I do plan to go to law school and get a doctorate in business. I am praying on that next year. I am a Christian, a woman of God who walks by faith and not by sight. I do have a couple of health issues. I am a type 1 diabetic. They believe that I was born with it, but I was diagnosed at 10. Um and when I was in Haiti, I was born in Haiti, I was constantly sick where my eyes would go backwards and I'd go to the hospital, and the doctors were like, they don't know. But my grandmother checked my blood sugar one day and it was extremely high. But I was in Haiti, so they just let it pass. But when I How old were you at that time? I was like one or two. Yeah, I was pretty young. So yeah, it was extremely high. I was I used to get sick so often in Haiti, but they couldn't do anything. When I came to America, I wasn't as bad. But when I was 10.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

How old were you when you came to the school?

SPEAKER_00 2:36

I was 324. I was 324, I was a month in before I turned. I came in August, and my birthday is in September. But between that time I came from 3 to 10, I was perfectly fine. Oh, your birthday is September.

SPEAKER_01 2:47

I didn't even know that we had something in COVID.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Yeah, that's a September girl too. So once I um turned 10 a month later, I started feeling sick. And when I went to the house, I kept going to the doctor, and they was like, oh, it's nothing. Um, you know, they kept giving me medications, antibiotics, I was getting infections. And one day I got hospitalized, and right before I left, um, again, a nurse said, Hey, check her blood sugar. And they checked my blood sugar and the machine couldn't read it. And yeah, it was so high the machine couldn't read it. So they bought it to the lab. And when they bought it to the lab, so the machine reads up to 600 um back then. I don't know about that. At the age of 10? At the age of 10, my blood sugar was it was 889. 889. And I was the doctor said, they don't know how I'm alive, right? So then they put me in DKA, which is um diabetes, ketone acidosis, because that my body has too much acid. Um, they put me on insulin. Um, over time, you know, as a kid not really taking care of myself. I caught um, it started affecting my eyes. I also now have a stomach issue called gastroparesis where food takes, it's like um stomach paralysis, where food takes longer to digest in my system. Um, it's kind of hard sometimes. I am also anemic. I have it also affected my nerves, so I have neuropathy. Um, so there are a couple of medications I do take daily um to control those system symptoms. So, yeah, so I am a type 1 diabetic with many other complications. When I'm living my life, um I always say that I have diabetes, diabetes doesn't have me. It's not gonna be what kills me. Um, God is gonna be the one that takes me.

COVID Hits And Anxiety Takes Root

SPEAKER_01 4:20

You know, mentioning that, so how did you do? How did you manage when COVID? Because with all those pre-existing conditions, so Baba, I believe that he was tough on you.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

COVID was very hard. So when I was first diagnosed with diabetes, I was going back and forth in the hospital because I didn't understand it, right? But then I started getting a hang of it when I got into high school. I was older, I was like 13, 14. Um, I carried my medicine with pride. I was like, hey, I'm a diabetic. So people could know if something happened to me, somebody could go, oh, she's a diabetic. She was sick. So all my friends, my classmates from my school knew that I was this, I was sick, right? Um, but when COVID hit, I remember April 1st, it was my mom's birthday. My mom's April 1st. And in the middle of the night, I wasn't feeling well. My aunt and uncle and my cousin was living with us, my brothers, my two brothers and my parents. And I was in my room and I wasn't feeling well. I thought there was like this hunger feeling that I had. And so I went to the kitchen, got grabbed an apple at like 2 a.m. and I threw up the apple. I was not feeling well. So then they were on I went to urgent care. They said, Oh, you probably have pneumonia. Kept going back and forth. That's when I was also diagnosed with gastroparesis. The COVID gave me gastroparesis. Um, I was bedridden for like three weeks, felt better, got sick again. Overall, I got COVID four times and it was bad. I lost so so much weight. Um, I was 150 pre-COVID. After COVID, I became 110 to 100 pounds. And I couldn't function. Like my brain, I feel like I was always anxious. I was always like like very nervous. I I became, I bec I grew um social anxiety where I didn't want to go out because I was scared if I go out, I'll get sick. And sometimes it would happen. I'd go out to church events, event events, networking things, and the next day I'm hospitalized or I'm not feeling well. So it gave me anxiety of going out and um interacting with people. I stayed home, didn't do anything, was very depressed. Um, COVID was really, really like bad. It took a toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I did not go to church, didn't work, school was online, I was always throwing up, I was always sick. So yeah, COVID was.

SPEAKER_01 6:37

No, I can only imagine because you have a lot of pre-existent conditions. And so it was scary for many people with pre-existent conditions for them not to catch COVID because you know the minute that you know if you were diabetic, have blood pressure or any medical condition, so it's like you could lose easily a family member, a friend, or whomever. So I'm pretty sure it was a major concern on your parents and your entire family.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

It was because we lost a lot of um church friends, a lot of people. My parents are very strong in their church, and um they lost a lot of people.

Hospital Trauma And Fear Of Dying

SPEAKER_00 7:15

Um, I lost a lot of people that I also know. But the worst part was I saw people die in front of me. I wasn't I went to NYU, I went to Methodists, I went to Brooklyn Hospital, and I went to Mount Sinai and all those trying to seek help. And they put me in um Methodist, they put me in the room with other people.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

You went to those hospitals, I went to cause USC.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Because I was so sick, yeah. And I saw a man come in with the police and he was handcuffed. And a few hours later he died at my ankle, right by my feet. And then I saw another 16-year-old. They had put me in the pediatric section, and every time you heard cold blue, you thought it was you. So every time I heard cold blue, I'm like, am I dying? So her and I were talking, we're talking about life and everything. And they said cold blue, cold blue, and she died. I was just talking to her 10 minutes before. So I've witnessed people actually die in front of me in the hospital. How the how that how did that make you feel like? It made me scared because every time I heard a sound, I thought it was me. I thought I was the one dying when the doctors was like, we can't do anything. And also the scary part was the I think the president of Methodist at the time committed suicide. So hearing that too, because it was the pressure was so hard for her, was very scary. So I was I was like, Lord, let this not be my story. Like, um, you know, um, I this is not how I want to go. So I was very anxious about even going to the doctor, going anywhere. I wanted to stay in my own bubble. Like, I did not talk to anybody, want to talk to my family because I was just like, it's too much.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

We want to know more about that, but before I even come up with any questions that I have on paper for you, how are you doing? How you feeling? I know you look beautiful. No, you look amazing. But how physically, how do you feel? Or and mentally?

SPEAKER_00 9:02

Um, honestly, since we're gonna be honest

Living With Daily Clinical Anxiety

SPEAKER_00 9:05

and transparent, it's still hard. Um during COVID and now I've been hospitalized 96 times. Um, in general, in 2024, I was hospitalized alone 24 times. And there's only 12 months in the year. So it takes a toll on me, right? It definitely school, friendships, um, my spiritual. Sometimes I go into moments where I'm like, God, why me? What did I do to deserve this? Um, am I not good enough for your grace? Um, it takes mental toll. Sometimes I feel like I have to carry it alone because people don't understand where I'm coming from, or sometimes I won't even want to share because I feel like I'm a burden. And that's just the medical side. Um, dealing with other things too, dealing with school, relationships, friendships, um, having to maneuver, like, hey, like when I'm dating, like say, hey, I have anxiety. That's something I you have to mention because my anxiety is not only like, oh my god, I'm nervous. No, it's like so it's clinical, it's it's very bad. Yes, to the point where you can see, like, even like with my hand, like I can't keep it straight. It has to close. If I try to keep it straight, it's like my mind has to tell me, hey, keep it straight. And even then, it still wants to fight, you know. So I'm always anxious before I leave the house. I have to talk to myself, hey, hey Mimi, you're about to go out. You're okay, you're gonna be okay. Like, don't worry, I got you, Mimi. Like, Mimi got me. So that's things I've had to apply to actually, but it's been hard, and people don't see it because people always see I'm the dressed-up girl, I'm always in heels, my hair is always done, my nails are always done. But deep down I fight it. Like, you know, were you clinically uh got diagnosed with anxiety? I was. I was, I was clinically, um, and it they gave me anxiety medication, I fight taking it, but it's become so bad that I do take it now. And sometimes it still doesn't help because sometimes when the anxiety and the burden of life get so hard, especially with my health, that I um that is that it's just too much. Like I just cry and I or I just feel like an overwhelming feeling, or I'm sad for no reason, and people don't even realize it because I keep a smile, but when I get home, I'm like in tears, or I will break down randomly um at the gym or wherever I'm at work or at school, and like I have to be in a corner, or I get overwhelmed with people's presence where I'm just like I don't want to talk to anybody, I stay in my room. My parents will be like, Mimi, are you okay? And I'm like, Yeah, I'm okay. And I'm just sling staring into space, so I'm okay, I'm going to be okay, but it's still hard. It's an everyday decision, it's an everyday process of like, hey, and it's about being transparent.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

You have the shown support system.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

I do with my family, my friends, they're very aware of like my health, they know what to do if something happens, they understand the symptoms of anxiety for me. Of when I get anxious and I'm nauseous, when I'm um anxious and I can't think. Because I'm I'm a fast thinker. Like, I can get myself out of any situation, communicate, think about something I don't even understand within seconds. But when they start to realize that's such a zone out, I can't focus, I can't concentrate, they'll let they pull me aside and they'll be like, let's breathe, let's do breathing exercises. Or once I text like my mentors and say, Hey, I need a hug, they'll call me instantly right away and they'll be like, Okay, breathe in, breathe out, you know. So a very supportive um family, they're not passive, like they understand, but they don't let me wallow, they don't let me sit in my pity pool. They're like, gotta get up, gotta get up, come on, let's go outside, get some fresh air, let's go somewhere, let's do something. Like, get up, Mimi. Like, if you have anxiety about this, because anxiety is emotions you can't control. Like, you can't control something. Hey, you're anxious about school? Come on, Mimi, we're gonna go start looking at schools. If you're anxious about something else, we're gonna do it. Come on, we're gonna work together. So my friends are very supportive, like and my family are right behind me. Like, I had a panic attack earlier, too. About searching for a job, um, looking for a job. I do work for myself, but looking for like trying to leave that and actually find a job, it's been hard. Um, after I graduated, I was like, I have my master's, and sometimes I'm overly qualified or under or underqualified. And I had a panic attack, and I was like, after I put my makeup on, and I was like, okay, you can't cry your makeup off. And I had to text my sister and I text her, I was like, hey, this is how I'm feeling. I'm overwhelmed. And she literally called me and she she was like, Okay, we're gonna breathe together, we're gonna pray, we're gonna do this together. And like she helped me because she calmed me down and she made sure that I was okay when I on my way here. She called me, she texted me. She goes, I love you, I got you. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, you don't gotta be perfect, you're okay. And they always tell me, don't say you're going to be. You don't need to be perfect. Yeah, and they always say, like, I've learned to tell myself not to say I'm going to be okay, but to say I'm okay.

Grief Triggers The Worst Spiral

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

I'm okay. I know we are still at the beginning of the show. What you want the viewers to get from this.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

I want people to know that anxiety, people have it, and people are ashamed of it. People don't want to talk about it. And I believe the best way, I don't I'm not saying to claim it, not to say anxiety is gonna have me forever, but you have to shine a light on what you have. The best way you can get healed is to diagnose yourself, so or to get diagnosed. So saying, hey, I have anxiety, these are my symptoms, it's bad. Now you can work towards it to be better. If it's either clinical, medical, spiritual, emotional, whatever you need, the support, therapy, you can, but if you don't admit it, if you don't shine the light on the dark in the dark of the darkness, then you're gonna be in the darkness forever. So it's okay to talk about your anxiety. People, people are gonna judge you, it's the world. But if you find the right circle, they're gonna support you. So I want people to know that it's okay to talk about your anxiety, it's okay to be open and honest about it because that's what got me through. And there is always gonna be helping the level. If you're not gonna get it from your friends and your family, your friends in your family, you're going to get it from outsiders, you're gonna get it from a therapist, you're gonna find mentors, go to church, like you're gonna find um spiritual mentors, go to a school, you're gonna find counselors, you're gonna find somebody who has your back. So, but you have to be willing to take that first step to say, okay, I've been feeling this, I need to get this checked out. I have this, these are my symptoms, so you can see it. And then what's next? How do we move from it? How do we get better? Because you can have anxiety, but then there's ways to work around it, there's way ways to do it. I exactly.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

Definitely. So that's what I want to tell everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much for doing this. Oh girl, you've been to a lot. Uh my next question: When did you realize your anxiety was more than ordinary issues?

SPEAKER_00 15:54

When it was bringing me to the hospital, and the doctors said, There's nothing we can do for you. Like, we've exhausted every medication. We put you on medication to put you to sleep, medication to get you not feeling anything. I was on oxy, perk, caldal, reglin, you name it. I was on all those from Methodists to go from a Methodist to Kings County. They they said the same thing. So I was getting panic attacks in the hospital where they thought it was seizures because I also do C's, right? So when they would do a test, they're like, she didn't have a seizure, she had a panic attack, and it would be constant. Like I would have it and I would stop, and I would like my whole body would freeze up, my teeth would start to grind, and I'm like, like I'm like shaking, and everybody has to run and like stop me and hold because like don't hold your breath, you know. So I just thought that was because when I was in the hospital, but I believe a couple of years ago, I'm scared of cats, so I'm petrified of cats, but I don't get anxiety, I don't get panic attacks from cats. Like when I saw them, I see them I would just run. There was ones that the cat was in the store, and I literally ran outside the street and I was panicking, like I couldn't breathe, like it was a heart attack. For the cat was mine, it was far, and that's when I was like, No, like little fears are coming to life, like I'm having these attacks randomly, or sometimes I would be focused, like my panic attacks could just be calm where I'm focusing, I'm looking at you, you're talking, and I'm panicking, like inside, internally. You don't even realize that I'm panicking inside. So that's when I started to realize that it was not just normal, it's not normal fears. It was just that it was this, and it was also this January when my grandmother passed. Um, you know, going to the hospital all the time. I was like, no, the doctors, it's medical, it's my gastroparesis, it's me throwing up and etc. My grandmother passed, and she was the closest thing to me, right? She was like, because we we had so much like health conditions. She used to make a statement, I'm gonna say it in core, but I'm gonna translate it. She was like, and she'd say, I you you have every sickness that I have, everything that you I'm everything. It's like you're just little mini me, you know? And I was like, no, grandma, that's not true. So when she passed, like we saw her pass, I went to the um funeral home with my parents to see, um, you know, to talk about funeral stuff with the person who's handling everything. And they're a close friend of my dad's, so we're sitting in the room talking, and it's when the son pulls out the death certificate, and it says a death certificate of my um Violet Jean-Sime. And all of a sudden, I felt it rising and rising. And I ran to the bathroom and I started throwing up. So I'm like, oh my goodness, it's I couldn't eat, so I was like, oh my goodness, is it like gastroparesis? My parents bought me breakfast, threw it up. I was about to go, I went to the nail salon with my mom. They couldn't even finish my nails because I kept throwing up. So finally I went home. I was supposed to go to work. I didn't go to work. I went home. I called my spiritual mom, my mentor, and she tried to calm me down. I fell asleep, and then I woke up still feeling sick. So they brought me to the hospital, they held me for like two, three days, and the doctors, my uncle came to get me, and the doctor was like, she has anxiety. This is anxiety, this is not anything else. She's not having a flare-up. Her stomach is fine. We did all the tests, we're giving her all these medications. She's young. These things are going to kill her. We can't. And the nurse said, if we keep her here, I promise you, if we keep her here, the doctors are gonna feed her with so much medication, she's gonna die. She's gonna go right after her grandmother. So my uncle took me home. I didn't even go to my grandmother's funeral. That's how sick I was. I didn't go to until this day, I don't believe she died because of the fact that I didn't see it. So I got home, and it's only until like her funeral was Martha Luther King Jr. Day um the weekend, the Sunday and the Monday. I didn't feel better until that Thursday. And it was me talking to myself, Mimi, grandma's okay, like she's in a better place, like you gotta get up. Like she wouldn't want this for you. And I had to talk myself, and people are still in the house, so that made me anxious even more. Because I don't like when people see me sick. So I had my cousins, my uncles, friends coming over, and it was over. And I understood, I understand the love, but it became so much because people were seeing me at my most vulnerable stage, and I didn't like that. Like, you know, I like people seeing me presented, like, not at my um vulnerable stage. So my sister would always have to kick them out. Like, no, she doesn't want people in here. So that's when I actually finally got up, and I went to the doctor, and the doctor was like, Yeah, we always knew it was anxiety. Um, you just never wanted to admit it. And you kept saying it was flare-up. Sometimes it was not flare-up, sometimes it was you having an attack. You about to go on a trip, you get anxious. You're about to take a test, you get anxious. You're about to go speak somewhere, you get anxious, and it becomes so bad that it looks like a flare, it looks like a flare-up, it looks like DKA, it looks like your blood sugar spikes, not because you're eating wrong, but because of your emotions and it's your hormones. Remember, diabetes is effective, it's your hormones. My pancreas doesn't work, so it's your it's all hormonal. So I literally but like you have to go on meds. If you don't go on meds, you're not going to survive. You're not going to survive because even with the coping mechanisms that you're trying, that's they're small, they're they're comparing to your anxiety levels, they're strong. Maybe you panic for the smallest things and the create, and the worst thing is you hide it very well. But people think you're a functional depressant, like you function while you're depressed, you function while you're anxious, and people don't see it. But inside it's killing you. And just like they say, gas can kill you, diabetes can kill you, your anxiety will kill you. You know, and I used to be suicidal as a kid, so they're like, they understand all I see suicidal. I was I was anorexic. I went through all those phases of dealing with all these things, and I had to take medicine medication for a time, or I had to learn coping mechanisms and therapy, but they're like, Anxiety is gonna take over your life. You're adult, you're an adult. You want to do so many things. You're in politics, you're in government. People love you. Like you're connected with people like this. You don't want to go before your time. So you should take it. So that's when I realized I had it. I knew I had it for a while since COVID, but I finally admitted it after I realized okay, I couldn't do anything about my grandmother passing. Will you describe that as your as the worst one you ever experienced? Yeah, my grandmother passing was my worst. I did not, I couldn't function. I couldn't think I was awake for two minutes and I would go back to sleep. They were giving me medication. I literally was drinking NyQuil.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

But but but uh if I were to add that question in connection to the answer you just gave me, what was going on in your mind at that time?

SPEAKER_00 22:54

She's not gone. There's no way she's gone. That's not true. Death is not a thing. Like, she's not gone. Like, where is she? Like, you know, why can't I talk to her? Why can't I call her? You know, um, and I would go back and listen to um But were you also scared?

SPEAKER_01 23:13

The fact that you know at one point in her life she said that hey, you have this all the sick diseases that I have, you have them too. Yeah, and seeing her, you know, like in that condition, the thought of you being the next.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

That was definitely um my uncle's as sick of my dad's um brother. So that was a thing too. And I was like, oh my goodness, like my uncle Simon, is he gonna be next? Like my grandfather passed in 2019. Um, I was like, okay, when I saw her pass, now reality hit. Like my uncle was very sick, my dad was starting to get like stomach issues. So every time somebody says, Oh, I'm not feeling well, in my head, I'm like, Okay, are you next? So that was the thing for me. Um, so I thought I was next. And then

Breast Cancer Scare And Breaking Point

SPEAKER_00 24:00

the worst part is once I started feeling better, I had a breast cancer scare.

SPEAKER_02 24:05

Oh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

So, like, right after, like a week later, um under my breath, under my left breath. It was one thing after the other. It was my grandmother passed, my aunt passed, and I got a breast cancer scare. So it was like my mom's friend who lives with us. I call her auntie, so she passed right after, and she was also sick, and I used to take care of her. So I'm just like, and Derek died, they're all diabetics, they're all diabetics. I'm like, okay, are we at my next Lord? And this breast cancer scare was so bad, it became like I was I couldn't go out, I was bleeding. They told me to dress it, to put dressing on it and change it every six hours. I was changing it every hour or even less because it was leaking so bad. And it was it was just like a small blackhead that got infected over, I don't even know how, infected randomly, that grew and grew and grew, and then I had to do a biopsy that got infected also. So for months, and the doctor, once they found out it was benign, they was just like, I don't know the god you serve, but this is grace because every once we see things like this, it's never not cancer. This is why we thought it was cancer for you. And it was bad because I had I got it in February. I didn't start feeling better until May. Because I couldn't like function, because it hurt so it was burning, it was tingling. It was this year. That was this year, right after my grandmother passed, February to March, May. Yeah. Like if like a lot of my clothes, like even now washing some of the clothes, I had to get new ones because the blood stain is still on there and all that stuff because of that. Mm-hmm. Wow. Yeah, so that gave me anxiety too. Cause I was like, I even still I even told like my mentor, I said, if it's a breast cancer, I'm not taking, I'm not going to chemo. Let it take me. Let it kill me. I will be in my bed. I will do whatever I need to do while I have it. I'm not gonna chemo. I refuse to be sick. I refuse to go through all of this while I'm sick on top of that. So I was like, just let it take me. I don't mind. I was like, if that's how God wants to take me, I will die on this bed. Um, I I refuse to take chemo. I was not gonna take it. I was not gonna take any medications for it.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

When you came to that conclusion, it's because you have seen people, you know, deal with chemo prior, or did you have any experience, you know?

SPEAKER_00 26:23

My best friend's aunt had it, and I know I saw it, but I've seen and I follow this influencer who had it, um, who had it, and thank God she doesn't have it anymore. But I saw what it did to people. People who didn't have other conditions, people who just it was just breast cancer, not to belittle just breast cancer, but with what I'm going through already, I already have them like I don't drink from aluminum cups because I already have the metal taste in my mouth. I'm always chewing on a mentose or a mint because my tongue gets dry. Like, I already experienced certain side effects that are um small, but they're annoying. So imagine now with like hair lost and not having energy. I'm not having a life. I'm only 28, you know. So I was just like, Lord, I have anxiety, I have X, Y, and Z. If this is what you allow me to have, and it's breast cancer, you can take me. You were waiting. Yeah, I was ready. I was like, you can take me. And it wasn't as in the sense of suicidal, I'm tired of life. It was more of a fear of like, I don't want to go through this. If I'm already dealing with anxiety with the stuff I have now, imagine what I would have to deal with with things, um, with having breast cancer. So I was like, just take me. I like I I pleaded with God. I said, God, I pray that it's benign. If it's not benign, take it, take me two days after they tell me it's cancer. Take me. My parents will be okay. Like I was like, everybody will be okay without me being here. But I wouldn't be okay with me being here with cancer.

SPEAKER_01 27:48

And what the feelings were when, you know, when the outcome came out to be.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

It was a s really otherwise. It was like a whoo, finally something good. Like, you know, like that was the first breakthrough I had this year. Like I felt like there was so much going on between January and May, back to bad to bad to bad. So I was just like, finally something good. And I till this day I still feel the pain sometimes. Um, you know, and they even said it might be HS, um, where like I get blew my grand and going back to my grandmother. Sh they believe she had HS because she would get like um bruises and splinters and all over her body. And I just get bruises randomly, random places. I'll wake up with scratches, I'll go up with a cyst right here that just grew out of nowhere and just started hurting, um, and all that stuff.

SPEAKER_01 28:35

So I was like, And it will disappear on it.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

It would just disappear, or it would just stay like a bruise, or like people are just like, What is this? You didn't have this yesterday, um, or this morning. And I'm just like, I don't know. Like, and it would hurt so bad, and then four or five days later it's gone. So I'm just like, Lord, the small and this is after my grandma passed. I'm like, Am I really getting everything she gets? And am I gonna be in a nursing home? Am I going to, is this gonna be my outcome? Is this how I'm gonna pass away? My grandmother suffered. Like, she was in um hospice for about a week or two, and she suffered. Like she would breathe in, hold her breath, and we'd be like, grandma, grandma, grandma, and breathe out. And she we don't know if she was in pain or not, but she looked like she was suffering. The lady that would get up and sing and people will applaud is not the woman that we saw at the end. And we the day before she died, we had everybody who she loved, like over 100 people. She passed away at what age? 73, 74. Mm-hmm. But if you look at her, you would have thought she was older towards the end, because that's how bad it was for her. So that also gives me anxiety of like, is this my story? And what helps me is I go to the gym, like you know, I try to eat healthier now because I don't want to be there. I don't want that to be my story. I don't want to end up like that. If I'm gonna end up like that, I'm gonna go say it again. Lord, take me. You forget.

SPEAKER_01 29:57

But you know what? I love the way you said I don't want that to be my story. Yeah, and you are walking toward it. Yeah, you're not staying in the bed, you're not staying in a dark place. You you know, so look at you. If I were to see you outside, you know, looking that time is in. The thought of you being sick will never cross my mind. So you are doing it. Thank you. So you said it, but you're also taking action. And for everybody who's watching and listening, that's what I want them to get from it. Because at the end of the day, like I was telling somebody earlier, you never know what somebody is going through. Yeah, you never know who will have thought that you have gone through that much. Yeah, girl, you have to give yourself a pat on your shoulder every single minute. Because, hey, you know, I know you know you were able to make it this far because God was with you in every step of the way. Yeah, but your strength, your courage, your energy, your determination, they all contributed to that as well. And so I'll continue to keep you in my prayer. Thank you. Because you know that our God, yeah, He never fails. Yeah, for sure. My next question How does anxiety

Physical Symptoms And Hidden Signals

SPEAKER_01 31:30

affect your body physically? Okay, despite all the other conditions that you you were already dealing with.

SPEAKER_00 31:40

It makes me nauseous, very much so. Um, it makes my stomach hurt and I guess spasms. I guess spasms like when my hands and feet become one and also on my stomach. Um, it gives me headaches. Um, I start to tremble. So there are some, there are signs, like you know, where there are days where I'm like, I wake up and I'm just like, I'm so nauseous. Like, where is this coming from? I didn't do anything the day before to cause this. So, yeah, so I think the main thing is being nauseous and having a headache where they correlate. Like my they always say your stomach and your head correlate. So when you have sometimes feel a headache can cause your nausea, your stomach and your stomach cause your headaches. So, yeah, and it also affects my cycle. Like, where like last July I was sick for the July weekend. I had plans and I was bedridden, couldn't move because I was so nauseous. And it wasn't like nauseous to go to the hospital, but it was like, oh my goodness, like it feels like morning sickness. That's what I had, like, you know, through throughout the day. And I didn't go anywhere, but I also thought it was my period coming because I had bad periods. Um, but I I spotted the whole month of July. I didn't my cycle didn't fully come, and it was only like after I pee, if I wiped, I would see that that was I had my period. Um, but it never it never flows. So anxiety will give me that. It'll give me a pimple, it'll give me a zit. I don't get I don't break out often, but when I'm very, very anxious, I have a zit. I break out in hives. So like I had like the whole sun, like the whole month of July, I was like this. Like I was breaking out in hives um because I was so anxious. And I realized like how bad my anxiety was was um, so I'm in the process of writing a book, right? Called Tea Times, um, Sacred Sips. It's Tea Time

Perfectionism And Stories In Our Heads

SPEAKER_00 33:20

with God, technically having conversations, hard conversations with God that we don't have, but like a devotional, like God, this is what I'm going through, and then God pouring back into you, like, okay, I understand this is how we're gonna move on, right? Um, so when I was gonna do my book signing, I didn't finish it. I had planned to finish here, and I was gonna do a book signing in October of last year. Just the process of planning it. I was breaking out in hives, I was getting like fevers on my arms and heart and all that stuff. Once I said, okay, the anxiety is too much, I'm not doing this right now, I felt better. That was another sign that showed that I had anxiety.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

So when you start on, you know, planning it and the anxiety came in, so what were the other thoughts that came before the anxiety actually took over?

SPEAKER_00 34:06

Would my book signing be good? Um, I'm I got overly processed things, so I was like, okay, I have to make sure I do this and do this and do this during the book signing. I had to plan everything to the minute, to the second. Like, okay, at 2.12, everybody's gonna be here. At 2.15, everybody's gonna be there. Like I was really like planning it to the to the point that I was like, okay, what if it doesn't go my way? Um, what if people don't like the book? And what if I'm too transparent in the book? Would it hurt people's feelings? I'm not gonna use people's names, but there are stories in there about what I because it was things that I went through that I'm bringing to God. Like, so I am gonna talk about relationship hurt and family hurt and Georgia.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

You know, they were all just your opinions, your thoughts. They were not will. No, the thing that you were thinking. Yeah, they weren't. You know, what about if no, if people don't like the books? So what about if people don't show up? What about so you will not know until it actually happens.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

Yeah, I realize a fault that I have is I can tell myself something, I can make up a whole story in my head for myself, and I'll believe it. I'll make sure that I know to the point where I'll believe it and I'll make sure somebody believes it. Like I'll I'll like I have to believe it first, and then if I want to sell it to somebody, that's marketing, right? That's what they taught. But I take it into my personal life where it's like, oh my goodness, I believe it. I could tell you the sky is purple, and I'll be like, you need the sky's purple, the sky's purple, so and I will believe it. And you can look at the sky and see it's blue, but I will convince you that it's purple to the point where you'll think it's actually purple, and that's a fault that I have within me. So I will be like, it's not gonna be good. No one's gonna like it, no one's gonna read the story, it's gonna offend people and all that stuff, to the point where not even before it happens, when I see the person, I'll shake because I'm like, oh my goodness, they've probably read the book already, but the book that's not even out. So that's how I realize how bad, like sometimes my own thoughts brings that anxiety. Like, because I'm just like, I create stories in my mind because I'm so nervous. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 36:06

It's self-awareness, why did? Because you know that you create those thoughts in your head. Yeah, so you are aware of that. Yeah, so have you ever tried to work around that

Therapy Tools For What’s True

SPEAKER_01 36:20

thought, you know, to say, you know what? Hey, this is it's not helping me. Honestly, I don't know. I don't know how to.

SPEAKER_00 36:27

Have you ever brought that to your uh therapist's attention? I brought it to my therapist's attention and she tells me to write down what's true and what's not. To write down what's going on really in the moment and what I'm thinking, right? And she makes me do that.

SPEAKER_01 36:40

And sometimes Yeah, because when you you know you're gonna get to a point where you have to compare them. Yeah. And that's where you're gonna pull what's the will troop is about.

SPEAKER_00 36:49

And my spiritual mom makes me do that too in our sessions because I have therapy sessions once a week and this session with my spiritual mom once a week, um, where she makes me write what's true about me, what's not, what do I believe about myself, and write down where it's connected from. So, like if I believe, like, hey, I'm not pretty enough, is it connected from family trauma? Or is it connected from relationships? Is it connected from abandonment? So that there is so therapy and um therapy and just counseling sessions is allowing me to see where these things are coming from. What are my triggers? Right? Just seeing like um I tell this story all the time. I have a male friend who's dark skinned and tall, and he has this habit of point like this to me. Like, you know, just like you know, like joking. And one day we're sitting in the car in front of my building, I'm having a conversation. I said something, and he goes, Mimi, stop. And I jump. And he's like, What is wrong with you? And then a few minutes later, he does it again. I jump, he goes, What is wrong with you? Like, what is that? Where's this coming from? Because I have other I have a light-skinned friend who does it too, and I don't jump. But it reminds me of my dad. Like, you know, my dad was like stricken, he'd be like, Mimi, and I'm like, so that that that uh auto with the figure in that a sense. Realizing tone, like I when somebody's tone gets high, like if you're if you're criticizing me, I'm fine. But once your tone gets to a level or your way you speak, I'm like, I jump. What or I walk away because I don't, and I that stems from family, you know. So I'm starting to realize that confrontation is hard for me because we don't confront each other in family. We would argue, and then two days later we talk like nothing happened to suppress it, even if it hurts you still. So I'm realizing, and that's me writing my thoughts daily, and I think that's what helps me. Um, where the Bible talks about examining yourself, right, to see if you're in the Lord. I take that personal. So I write, okay, today I was with um Dr. Beatrice. How did I feel? I felt calm. I was nervous. Oh, I lied when I was with her. This, why do I have to lie when I'm with her? Because I want to please her. Like, I write those things down in like in my general in detail of who I was with, how long I was with. Like, I'm always checking the time. Like, okay, I was with this person for two hours. This is how I felt in the beginning. This is how I calmed down. When they touch me, did I jump? When they touch me, did I feel calm? When they touch me, did I not care? Right? My best friend, she always has a habit of because she does my hair, she always has a habit of like playing with my hair every time she sees me, or she'd be like, Okay, you gotta fix this. Like, just to because she did it, it's her work. I'm comfortable with that because that's my best, that's my sister. We grew up together. But I have people who try to touch my hair and like, don't touch me because it's a trigger. Like, I don't know where that stems from. It could be from childhood, I don't know. So I try to examine of who makes me feel the way, what happens, why is it a me thing in general, or is it a personal thing with the person, or is it like a skin color thing that reminds me of somebody or a height or a weight thing? So I try to examine myself to see where these fake thoughts come from, or why do I feel worthless, or why do I feel like an anxiety is coming, and why do before it even comes on, like, okay, Mimi, you're feeling this way, you gotta calm down, you're gonna be fine, you're you're okay. Imagine I'm a daredevil, like I'll jump out of a plane, I'll do all of that. So if you were a shock with somebody who has anxiety, like I don't mind that, but that's when I feel free, when I'm doing something different, right? Because I'm like, oh, I'm free, like cool, okay. But I have to examine myself daily and write down what's true and what's not. It does it work, it does, and I'm better than when I where I was, but I still feel like there's still a place for a major place for growth of where I want to be, where I'm not making up these stories.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

When you write down what what is true and what is not, so do you sometimes go back to what you put down in a YD?

SPEAKER_00 40:29

Yes. And adjustment. Yes. So yeah, I always do when I'm in the moment I'll write down, like if I'll have my phone write um true and false, and then when I do feel better after the panic attack, I'll be like, okay, this is why I had the panic attack. Because I mean I'll be thinking about it, but I'm like like my um front thoughts are not that, but my subconscious thoughts are whatever I've written down. So I'll go back and like, wow, this is how I felt. This is what I was really going through. I thought I was thinking about my worth, or I was thinking about this person not liking me, or I was thinking about the past. This is why I felt like that. So now we're what are we gonna do about it? Are we gonna address the person or are we gonna pray on it? Or are we going to whatever it is, meaning what do you have to do to make sure that you don't feel this way anymore? Or sometimes I like I like to test the temperature of the room. Like, you know, I always like to be early um somewhere so I can read the room and see how it feels, right? So I can know what what meme is gonna show up. Not to say that it's a fake meme, but it's like is it gonna be you wanna test your level of comfortability? Yeah, so I always do that. And I and sometimes like after I just try to get a workout in, I feel like the gym, my house, and my adoptive slash spiritual family's house are my place of comfort. And that's a place I feel like I'm rested. Like that's a place that I feel like I could be myself. The gym I take out the anger and the stress on the workouts at home. I stay in my room and then with my spiritual parents, I talk to my spiritual parents. So that's what I do.

SPEAKER_01 42:00

Okay, so you went to Oday, how many times you were hospitalized, and what did the doctor say and everything? So when was the last time that you were hospitalized April.

SPEAKER_00 42:14

When you were with the breast cancer thing? It wasn't for the breast, it was like in the middle of the breast cancer thing fading, but it it was for um I just got a panic attack randomly and it became so real. Um I went to a friend's party the Saturday, we were fine, and suddenly I woke up, I was ready to go to church. I couldn't get up. So, and I just started panicking, started throwing up, started not feeling well. So I went, they saw me, they're like, oh, start anxiety cycle again, and they held me for like four or five days. Yeah, four or five days, and then they sent me once I calmed down and I caught a couple of panic attacks, and they had to put like cushions on the bed to make sure I don't hurt myself, like you know, when I'm like moving with the panic attacks.

SPEAKER_01 42:58

Yeah. How does anxiety,

Relationships And Protecting Your Peace

SPEAKER_01 43:00

you know, kind of uh affect your relationships with family, friends, and even personal life?

SPEAKER_00 43:10

Um, so I've I always say I don't call somebody your friend until they understand my health. And it's a good approach. Yeah, because I'm I don't say I don't you don't have to accept my health. You don't have to be next to me. You don't, but and I don't need to be your friend either. Yes, I'm I'm okay with that, I'm not offended by it. But you have if something happens to me, how you gonna know? And also that's a part of my anxiety, right? Like if I'm not comfortable with you, I'm gonna be anxious around you. If I c if I have to lie to you all the time, I'm gonna be anxious around you. If I gotta be perfect and I can't be my clumsy giddy self, I'm going to be anxious around you. And I don't want that, right? So I always make sure that my surroundings, I protect my peace. I just like you know, I call it um when they said COVID, you had a social distancing. I call it that too, like social distancing, like the proximity. I measure that. Like, not everybody I see and talk to are allowed to be in my personal space at in my room, in my house, in my none of that. Even in my spiritual and mental space, right? I'll pray for you. I always say God bless you to everybody before I leave because that's the automatic prayer. But to keep you close to me, I had a best friend for 24 years. We stopped talking. If I can stop talking to a best friend for 24 years, because at some point anxiety was getting high, I could cut anybody off. You know, then that's how I feel. No offense to anybody. So that my friendship and my family, if you're not treating me how my parents are, my parents will be at the side of my bed tired. My mom will work her double and she will be 16 hours and she'll still be there. I will be mad at her because her and I will fight in the hospital, but she's still there. My dad will be there in pain, not sleeping, not eating, making sure I'm okay, asking the doctors, what is that? What is this doing? I'm not saying every friend has to do that. But every friend has to do. Because your parents are fulfilling their parent obligations towards you. Right. But my friends, I would want you to know, hey, Mimi's nauseous, something's wrong. Mimi, my all my friends could pick up on my face. I could say I'm okay. And they're like, no, she's sad. Like she's lying, she's hiding it. I feel like I'm okay. Like, no, she's purple. She's turning sick. She's about to be sick. All my friends don't want about to be sick. They look at me, they're like, Mimi, sit down. And then the next day, I find out I'm hospitalized. Because they knew, they understand, they could tell my lips turned. I turned purple. As light skinned as I am, I turned purple. So my dad can always read that. And relationships, like people, I have a um somewhere I call godmother. And she had once to me, she was just like, When you're like, don't tell people about your health. I was just like, why? She goes, Because somebody you dated, their mom said, You were a great woman, but she didn't want you for her son because of your health. You'll be a burden to him. Mind you, he never said that because he was okay with it. So at some point, that gave me anxiety to date. I was like, oh, I'm gonna be a burden. Like, I don't want that. Like with my parents, they had kind of no choice because I was here. But with my friends, I started getting sick after they became my friends, most of them. But with a partner, you decide to do a thing while I'm sick, right? So I make sure that I always say, hey, I'm a diabetic, I get car sick, I'm this and that. This is what it's from from day one. From I don't go into personal like details like I am now, but I I I acknowledge it because, like I said, you gotta bring it to the light. And if you want to stay, you can stay. That's it, yours. Yeah, there was once I went on a date, and for some reason I was okay. And then when I was on my way home, I started feeling sick. But this time was an actual medical thing. I was actually feeling sick, and I was like, Can you open the car door? I'm about to throw up. And he's like, No, no, no, you can wait. It's only 50 minutes from home. I said, I can't hold this vomit. I was like, open the car door and stop. He refused. So I threw up all over myself. Like it just came out. And he kicked me out the car. I had to call my adoptive brother to come get me. I was in Queens and I live in Brooklyn and I don't drive. So he had to come like my adopted. And that's you see the type of friends I have. If I called any of my friends who have a car, they'll come get me or get me an Uber or send me to, or like, okay, let's call number one. Like they'll figure it out with me. So that's the same thing, that's the same standard I have for my partner. For whoever I date, like, hey, I have this issue. Hey, are you even my trainer knows like hey, this is what I have. Like, if I get sick, this is my limit. Like, I he pushes me to beyond my limit. But when he sees that I'm getting sick, he's like, nah, nah, we can't do that. Like, she's getting like we're getting sick, we're gonna calm down. So everybody around me, from co-workers to classmates that I'm close to, to professors and etc., that's always what I put. Hey, this is me, this is what I go through because my anxiety is so physical. I'm a diabetic, I have these are the two things you need to know. I'm a diet, type 1 diabetic. Oh, three, I have seizures and I have anxiety. That's physical. And I always lay it out that that's the three things that you guys need to know. And then when you're close to me, this is how you do it. I have I used to have a pump one that I have to put back on, but I'm like, this is how you work the pump. If I if I'm past, if I'm purple, you this is how you give me insulin and the base amount of units is five. This is what you do today made of five. If my blood sugar is low and I'm responsive, get me juice, get me food. If I'm not responsive, I have a shot of sugar in my bag. Just put water in the sugar needle and inject me. So I always vocalize those things because those things matter. Because now if I something I have to do.

SPEAKER_01 48:34

And you kind of prep them too.

SPEAKER_00 48:36

Yeah, to make sure that they're okay. So I'm grateful that I have a strong support system and I refuse to weaken it. So I always make sure that everybody else who's coming in now are willing to be there for me because this is part of me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:51

And so I'm not gonna be a burden to you, but if you wanna be part of my life, you have to embrace me just the way I am. You gotta understand that. Yeah. You know, no, so it's like it's either you wanna be in it or you stay out there.

SPEAKER_00 49:07

We could be high. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 49:08

Yeah, so because at the end of the day, so whatever that out you are dealing, they already did. Yeah, you know, and you didn't go and buy them anywhere. No, life I've kind of like, you know, throw them your way, yeah, and you just have to deal with them. So that's a good approach, you know, to to kind of let everybody know, hey, this is the game.

SPEAKER_02 49:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:32

You know, if you want to be part of it, yeah, this is what you have to do.

SPEAKER_02 49:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:38

So you said that

Earning Degrees Through Illness

SPEAKER_01 49:40

you you earn your master's degree, so it I assumed that it was throughout all of this. Yeah. So how was it for you?

SPEAKER_00 49:48

It was hard. I actually, so I got my bachelor's in 2022, but they gave it to me in 2023. Um, where I had to um I was at I was at York and York were college. Girl, we have too many things in common.

SPEAKER_01 50:08

So September girl, now your college.

SPEAKER_00 50:10

That's where I got my undergrad too. Oh, I didn't get mine's there, but I went there. So when I got there, and I was so sick, they refused to put me on um what's disability. So I was failing and failing and failing because I was missing classes and stuff like that. So at some point, they're like, Oh, you have to leave. So they kicked me out of York. Um, I was devastated. So my dad was like, try Toro. You know, Toro um University, um, Toro College at the time. So I went to Toro. I started, it was in COVID, it was 2020, beginning of 2020, and literally COVID hit, and everything became remote. So I had professors who understood. So they were always there for me. I'll be in the hospital, throwing up on my laptop, all of that blood on my laptop. So for my bachelor's, it was hard. Um, I finished. And um thing the thing is with Toro, what I liked was even when everything became back um in person, they were still offering remote classes. So I was able to finish everything remote. And then when I graduated, they um I entered.

SPEAKER_01 51:15

They were still offering remote classes to everybody.

SPEAKER_00 51:18

For everybody, for everybody, if you wanted to stay remote and stuff like you pick the remote. They were small because sometimes they wouldn't decline, deny, because you come in, but for me they allowed me to take all remote, which actually helped me. And then I got my master's. I was supposed to do it. I did an extra year because 2024 was very hard. Um, 2023 was hard, 2024 was hard. Um, 2025 was also hard with a lot of I had a lot of people who passed in 2025. Um, I had a friend who passed a sickle cell, my brother-in-law's goddaughter passed a sicker cell, my um brother's goddaughter passed off SIDS, you know. So people were dying, like little kids, like people 20. She was 20, he was 23, she was 12, and she was not even one year yet, and that was in the month of April of last year. Just oh so that was a lot too. And other people, I had a friend who passed um who committed suicide back in September of last year, jumped off a building of his um shelter, and had another friend who passed who was on dialysis in December, who refused to go to dialysis, and they were all between the ages of less than one to 30. Like just that small, and that's my age group. Like, you know, I'm not even 30. So just having all of that also gave me anxiety. But I was able to finish with remote. And um so also when I was graduating, I had all my credits. But because of the fact that I was so hospitalized in 2024, I was filming a lot of classes, so that factors into your grade. So I and to graduate officially, you have to be a 3.0. And I was like, okay, all the classes that I took that that I needed, I retook them. I passed them with an A or A plus or B. But all those other classes were still F, the same class. I would have an F once semester and then the A in the next semester for the class, but the F still factored into my GPA. And it was also at a 2.8. So I reached out to my counselor and I was like, I can't graduate. And what am I supposed to do? I can't take any more classes. And she goes, Let's write an um appeal. Let's see. And I wrote an appeal and I prayed on it, and they um removed all my Fs and all my W's, and I graduated with a 3.9. Literally.

SPEAKER_01 53:28

So no, we have we have to toss on that. We have to toss on that. With all those medical conditions, yeah, mental health issues, and you pulled that. Yeah, congratulations. Thank you. I'm assuming that everybody who's washing, you just made everyone washing part. I am part. Thank you. Wow, wow, yeah. School is not an easy thing, even on a regular with no sickness going on. And you did it? Hat off. Thank you. Okay, so what about work?