Say No Without Guilt

“No” can feel like a small word, but for a lot of us it carries a huge load: guilt, fear of rejection, and the worry that someone will think we’re selfish. I sit down live to unpack why saying no is so hard, and how building confidence and healthy boundaries can change the way you show up in your relationships and in your work. When we keep saying yes to avoid discomfort, we often end up stressed, burned out, and quietly resentful. 

We dig into the patterns that fuel people-pleasing, including the desire to be liked and the habit of avoiding conflict at all costs. I share practical boundary setting tools and clear communication strategies so your “no” doesn’t sound rude, vague, or negotiable. You’ll hear real examples for everyday situations: last-minute family requests, friends who push past your limits, and social pressure that tries to pull you into choices that do not align with who you are. 

We also bring it into the workplace, where weak boundaries can turn you into the person who always stays late, always fixes someone else’s mess, or always gives ideas without receiving credit. The takeaway is simple and steady: you deserve peace, not pressure, and you can protect that peace with respectful, firm boundaries. If this helps you, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs stronger boundaries, and leave a review with the one situation where you’re ready to say no.

Transcript

Why Saying No Feels Hard

Confidence And Healthy Boundaries

People Pleasing And Fear Of Rejection

Handling Guilt Trips And Pushback

Why We Chase Being Liked

Choosing Yourself Over Avoiding Conflict

Past Experiences And Being Taken Advantage Of

Key Skills For A Clear No

Babysitting Example With Firm Boundaries

Simple Phrases To Say No

Saying No To Pressure And Bad Choices

Boundaries At Work With Coworkers

Managers Taking Credit And Final Takeaway

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Good evening, good evening, good evening, everyone. Uh this is Dr. Beatrice Ipolita with you today for a live YouTube. I hope everyone had a very great weekend. And I am happy today is Friday. Normally I don't, you know, I work from Monday to Friday. I'm off on weekends. And so I was looking forward, you know, to today. And so, like many of you, tomorrow uh I will not have to worry about waking up early. So I can stay in bed at least, you know, until six or seven in the morning. And uh, hey, we're here. Where are you people? Where are you? Where are you? Shall I wait for you? Uh again, welcome to a brand new episode of Your World with me, and you already know the name. Uh, today we're gonna talk about something in I will say in particular, but it's something that we are used to, we are accustomed to, but way too often I hear people say, sometimes I don't know how to say no. And that will be our subject for today. How to say no without feeling guilty. Are you ready? Are you ready? How many people I have with me now? I see one per one person so far. Hopefully, so more people will come. Okay, so like I said at the beginning, our subject for today is how to say no without feeling guilty. How many of you ever find yourself in that situation? You know, not being able to say no because you don't want to feel guilty, or you don't want you know, if something happened, it's because you said no, or if something did not happen, it's because you said no. How many of you? But if I were to ask that question, I probably my answer will have been, hey, I say no when I have to say no. If no at this moment is no, and no, it's gonna be. Because it's not a matter of saying yes and knowing that at this moment, when I say yes, it's not gonna be convenient, it's not gonna be good for me. And so if I know that I can, if I say yes, and that yes to you, it's gonna be a no to myself, then I'll rather say no to you. So uh one thing you know that is very important when we're dealing with uh this uh kind of situation or to address this particular subject. So we have to be confident, we have to build confidence and healthy boundaries. Because if we don't, it I would not say that our life will be miserable, but that can be a great deal of challenge. You we that's something that we have to practice. For those of you who are good at saying no, I commend you more power to you. But for those of you who're not comfortable to say no because you don't want to feel guilty, I encourage you to start practicing that because it's okay and there is nothing wrong, uh, you know, with that. Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no? So you have to answer to that question. Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no? Have you ever felt guilty for putting yourself first? You know how many people who oftentimes find themselves guilty just by putting themselves first? So uh are you one of those? And many people may say, you know what, it depends. So if it is for my children, if it is for my wife, if it is for my parents, if it is for a six siblings, so many people may have different reasons, you know, to say, you know what, hey, I find I did find myself in a situation where I felt guilty for putting myself first because of this, because of that, because of this, because of that. So, but you know, it's it's on the table. So if you ever felt that way, then it's time for you to kind of like think about it and see exactly why, why you feel that way, why you feel so guilty just because you put yourself first. And uh the problem sometimes attach, you know, to that when we feel that way. It's because you know, many of us tend to be people pleasing, pleasing, and many of us oftentimes we fear of rejection, it's something that is very significant, and this the sense of guilt. And those are the three things that we have to check out. Am I a person that likes you know to please others? Because if you are if you are you know somebody who likes you know to please others, and not taking into consideration that yourself or yourself comes first or must come first, then it's gonna be a problem. Because our friends are there, our family, our children, our siblings, our parents, our aunts, uncles, and grandparents, you know, co-workers, you name it. Everybody's gonna be there. And at one point in life, everybody's gonna need your presence, everybody's gonna need your assistance. And it's a beautiful thing to be able to be dear for people, it's a beautiful thing to be able to assist people, it's a beautiful thing to be able to invest in others, it is a beautiful thing to be able to be dear for people and be of assistance when they need assistance, however, if when you need that help, if when you need my presence, if when you need me to be around, it was not convenient for me, I had the obligation to take care of me, and whatever that you need my presence, my presence for, could have waited for another day or two or another week, and I know whatever that I deal I was dealing with at that point was vital for me to address and concentrate on me. I'll tell you no. I will not tell you no because I don't have the desire to be of assistance to you, but I will tell you no because at this present moment I need to take care of me, and you sure be okay with it. And if I were to come to you and ask for a favor, and you said no, you don't need some maybe not to give me any explanation, it may not be important for you to explain the reason why you're not available or you're not capable of doing me the favor that I, you know, that I ask of you at this moment. It just know. It just know. I've often seen people who like to make you feel so bad, who likes to make you feel so guilty, you know. It's like, oh, you could have done it. Oh, look what you do. I thought we were friends. I thought you loved me. I thought no. It's just like, you know, I don't like people guilty me. If I say no, I said no for a reason. If you say no, you say no for a reason. You're not trying to be a bad person. As long as you're not trying to be a bad person, as long as you're not trying to be a selfish person. And it sometimes, you know, it's like there are people who say, you know what, I don't care about people, I only care about me. It can be tough. It can be tough, you know, to just live in a wall and not considering others. That can be pretty tough. But at the same talking, I know I'm not being tough or I'm not being inconsiderate, I just don't have the capability to be of assistance to you, and or at this moment, I am not available because I have to take care of me. And anyone should be able to understand and go along with it. So if tomorrow or the day after, I can, you're still gonna be in need and I can be of assistance, I'll I'll I'll be of assistance to you. Just the fact that you were going to that party and you wanted me to go with you, and I told you that I was not feeling well, and you still feel that if I were your friend, I would have gone to the party with you. But at the end of the day, I'm not gonna please you to go to a party with you. What I know while I know deep down I'm not feeling well, or I have something more than more important than a party to go to. So uh my answer is gonna be no. No is no. And regardless of how I try to make you uncomfortable after you told me no, you should not feel guilty. The fact that you told me no because you told me no for a reason. You told me no because you had to put yourself first, and uh when we are not uh able to say no and to be firm and to stand with our no answer, there are you know the impact to that it's very vital. You know, before you even know it, you're gonna feel stressed out, you're gonna burn out, and there will be a lot of resentment, and all of those things, you don't need to deal with them, and they're gonna come, they're gonna come, they're gonna they're gonna come, those are the impacts, and you have to get ready for them. And uh if we were to consider the reason why all of this happened, or when I say all of this, the fact that we're not able to set up boundaries, healthy boundaries, and be comfortable to say no when you have to say no. Uh, sometimes it's uh it's the desire to be liked. Because if I say no to you, you may stop liking me. Or if you say no to me, you say no to your brother, you say no to your sister, they may stop liking you. It's okay because guess what? What about if uh I was in this if I were in a situation to ask my sister, my brother, my mother, my husband, or my partner to do something for me and they could not do it at the moment that I needed it. If they said no, it's not because then they don't love me or they don't like me, it's not because they don't care about me. That's the way I have to try to understand it. Because sometimes we so focus on ourselves, but we forgot that others that we want to be dear for us, others that we want to always be around, we forget that they have a life too. They have a life too. And if I'm entitled to say no, when I feel that I have to focus on me, I have to understand everybody else has the same right. They're right to say no when it's not convenient for them, the right to say no when they have to focus on them, the right to say no when there is a major need in the family, in the kids' life, or what have you. They have the right to say no, even when they have to put their job at first, because uh saying yes to you to me can vary. It may be like you know, something that I say no to you, because I know if I say yes to you, I may be late at work, and you don't know how many times that I was late for the month, and I already have one or two verbal warnings. So I may never told you that I was dealing with that, but it's happened that you call me and ask me for this, and I know if I ever took, if you know, if I take one more minute to address your concern, I'm gonna be late. And this time it won't be a verbal warning, it's gonna be a wide up. So I'm gonna say no. I say no to you, but I say yes to me. It's like we have myself, you, all of us, have to stop you know, putting ourselves in that, you know, in that situation just because we wanna be like the desire, the desire to be like, you know, sometimes put us in a situation to say no to ourselves and yes to other people. Stop it. And sometimes many people say no, you know, to themselves and yes to others while it was supposed to be the opposite, just to avoid conflict, just to avoid conflict. Oh, if I say no to him, if I say no to her, you know, so that may escalate, you know, escalate it to attention, which I don't need. I understand it's not a good thing to get involved into. I don't like tension myself. But if you want it to be that way, if this is the way that somebody wants to see it, you may not have any control over that. Because at the end of the day, uh when you said no, it was just a no. You didn't say no just because you wanted to fight, you said no because you know you were not available at that moment to offer any assistance. So it's like if you are afraid not to, you know, not to get involved in any conflict, or you're so afraid that if you say no, the other person may take it to a level where you may lose control. As a matter of fact, you don't need to lose control because it's like I'll say no and I'll walk away. Because remember, everybody that we have around us, friends, family members, uh, our children, our partners, we know them. Some you we know, we know whether they have they have a light temper or not. Some people, after that, tell you no, I will not even stay around to argue. Because I know, you know, it's like if I do stay around, that may escalate it to something that I just don't want to get involved into. I'll say no and I'll walk away. If it was a fun conversation, I'll say no. I may not hang up on you because it's like you know, it's not recommended, you know, when you get upset to just hang up on people. But I'll stay on the line and sometimes you know, so hey, you can talk as much as you want, but that won't change my answer. My answer is still gonna be no. So it's like I'm not saying that you know, if you know the person's temper to stay there, to confront that person, to have any verbal altercation, it's not healthy. And I would not encourage for any of us to get involved in something like that, but don't say no to yourself and yes to somebody else because you're just trying to avoid conflict. If conflict were to happen, conflict will happen anyway, but there is a way to avoid conflict regardless. And sometimes it may be like you know, one of the reasons that people say no, tend to say no to themselves and yes to others, is they have it from the past experiences. Look, whatever that happened in the past, it's already past. That's why we call it something that happened in the past, you know, past experiences. Okay. So I remember, you know, I said no to somebody while I should have, I, you know, I said no to myself and yes to somebody while I should have said yes to me and not and no to somebody. And you know, so I remember, you know, how what the outcome of that. I remember some experiences that I had in the past just uh uh for saying no to people, but at the end of the day, so it's like yourself, yourself, you always have to put yourself first. You always have to set up boundaries. And when I say boundaries, healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries, it's vital for any of us, all of us, to set up. Because if we don't, by the time we'll try to kind of put them, set them together, that may be a little bit too late. Because sometimes, you know, because we never we never set up boundaries, people will take advantage. And when I say people, it's me, I mean like eh. Everybody, regardless if it is your own children, regardless if it is your uncle, your aunt, your mother, your father, your grandparents, your siblings, everybody will take advantage. One thing that is very important that each of us have to learn to do is to set up boundaries. Because when you don't, people will take advantage. That's why when you set up boundaries, you know, people who really know you, they know when you say no, it's no. And they know when you say yes to, regardless what it stay, what, what, or what it takes, you're gonna stick to your to your yes. But boundary is very important to set up because you cannot be just like let the people walk all over you just because we have a relationship regardless of the nature of that relationship, or you know what, so I don't want the person to get upset. I don't want the person to feel that I'm not his friend or her friend, or I don't love her or love him the way that he, you know, so I was supposed to. It's none of that. And oftentimes, the person who wants to make you feel guilty already know it's none of what he or she's saying, it just you know they want to guilt trip you and to make you feel a certain way. It's no. Um, there are some uh uh key skills that uh comes uh with that uh subject. When I say uh uh key skills that come with that subject, it's like those are the skills that you know that we need to practice. Uh for example, clear communication, it's one of them. We have confidence, another one, and like I said prior, setting boundaries, clear communication. So you know you you have you you know you have to learn how to voice your your opinion in a manner not to create any confusion. Because sometimes, you know, so the person may come and say, Oh, no, when I asked you, so the way you answered, I was under the impression that you were gonna do it for me. So if somebody, you know, after you had a conversation was under the impression that you were gonna do him or her the favor, it's because you know you don't you were not too clear while you were communicating uh uh uh your answer to that person. So clear communication is very important because uh if uh the communication is there is a there is no clarity in that message, then that's gonna create confusion. And you know, the burden of that confusion is gonna fall on you because the if uh if but if you are clear in you know in your communication and you were confident, you know, while you were talking, and listen, whatever that it is, let's say for example, uh you may, you know, let's just say, you know, we siblings, you know, you have we have siblings or what have you. And uh you call me by seven in the morning, you know, it's a Saturday, and you know, not you know, not Saturday, I'm normally home. And by the time, you know, so you call me by seven or eight o'clock, and you say, Oh, oh, sis, I'm gonna drop the kids. But we never spoke the night before, we never spoke the week prior. You just call me that morning, that same morning. I understand that could have been an emergency. Something might pop up at the last minute for you. I got that. That's why you probably didn't even bother to call me the night before or the week before to ask me, you know, the favor to what to look over your kids, you know, for for that day. But you didn't know that when you called, I was getting ready to go to a funeral. A friend of mine lost his mother, and it was important, it was vital for me to go and pay my respect for the you know, the last time, you know, to that family. So, and when you call and you said, I am five minutes away to drop the kids off, my answer is gonna be no. If I'm gonna be able after two o'clock, if two o'clock is 2:30 or 3:30 is good for you, and you're still gonna need somebody to babysit for you, I'm gonna be available at three o'clock. But at this time, I'm getting ready to attend a funeral at nine o'clock. So not only my answer is no, but I'm clear in the way that I communicate with you. The moment that you want to drop them, I'm not available. But if you want to come back by 2:33 o'clock, if you still have the need, I'll make myself available for you. But the fact that you told me that you were five minutes away should not put any pressure on me to say, you know what, I'm not going to that funeral anymore. We never spoke about me babysitting for you. It's just a simple example that I give, you know, for people to understand, you know, so what I mean by clear communication. And so, and so, and it's right here. I communicate, uh uh, I voice my opinion, but I also, you know, put some possible solution on the table. If you still have the need, you know, for a babysitter after two, I'll be available. But at this moment, the answer is no. It doesn't matter if you were in front of my house, if you were five minutes away, or one hour away, the answer is no because I had priority or the priorities. Okay. Now let's see, you know, if we can practice some of the ways, or some, you know, some ways, not some of the ways, some ways that we can say no. If you were, you know, I you know, I just wish that you know I could have had people, you know, to exchange, you know, to for me to hear other people expressing their opinion. Well, so it's like, you know, so uh I'm doing that. So hopefully one day I'll I'll be able to to I'll be able to to do this the way that I'll make it more engaging. Practice saying no. One way we can say it, maybe you know, sometimes you when you say no, you don't need to be wooed, because being wood will not take you anywhere. And uh at the end of the day, remember when you are saying no, you're not saying no to uh to somebody you know who's an enemy, you are saying no to your mother, and even you know, so it's a no that you are saying to your mother, but remember it's your mother. You you know, you should show respect, great amount of respect to your mother, your father, your siblings, you know, even if I were to say no to my siblings, I still owe them respect. So the fact that I'm saying no, it doesn't mean that I have to be disrespectful. And the fact that you are telling me no, you don't need to be disrespectful towards me, Beatrice. I just can do it at this moment, I can commit right now. If I ask you, oh uh um can I borrow$20 from you? You just you just can commit to it now right now. You don't have it, and even if you had it, you you had you you already had plans for your$20. Okay, so it's like I may see the$20 in your hand. I say, but you have it, but you already have plans to go and use it to put gas in your car because you need that car to go to work. You may have a great desire to assist me if you had the$20 to to lend me, but it's not you it's not available, and you're not gonna scream at me just to tell me no, but you can say, you know what, I wish I could have uh uh uh uh lend you the money, lended you the money, but at this moment I can commit to it. I don't have it. Of course, I have$20, but I'm gonna use it to put guys. That it that's not gonna stop you from being my friend. The fact that you did not buy, you know, I was not able to borrow the money from you. We're still gonna be friends, but it just at that moment you cannot assist me, and I shall be okay with that, and it goes uh uh both ways. Another way that we can say no, it just simply says, hey, that doesn't work for me. I may ask you to do something, you know, and you know that it's not gonna be good for you. No, he doesn't, you know, he's not good for me, he doesn't work for me. Let's say, for example, uh, there are people who smoke, there are people who drink, there are people who smoke cigarettes, there are people who smoke weed, and you name it. I remember one time I'm saying that and I'm laughing. I remember one time, you know, one of my clients, you know, so while I was in the middle of a group, and the guy stopped me and said, Dr. H, I have a question for you. And I I said, I'm listening. Say, you never smoke. Oh no, you don't smoke. I said, Never. And it's like, you're lying. I said, You asked me a question, and I gave you an answer. And why the question was asked, uh, if I may ask, and he said, Oh girl, you don't know what you're missing, and the guy was giving me a whole lecture, how good that you feel after you you smoke a joint of weed. I'm bringing that example on the table is to show you. Let's assume that I was a friend of this guy, and we were out for a party, right? So the fact that he smoked, so you will probably try to encourage me to smoke. And for me who never smoked, and hear him, you know, here I am with somebody who's gonna not even encourage me, force me. Because can you imagine when he asked me the question, he was just a client, a patient, you know, on my caseload. It was work-related. So somebody that I had no deal, you know, into talking about smoking weed. So if he has, you know, that uh uh other city to ask me or even tell me you don't know what you're missing if you never smoke weed. Just imagine if we were friends and we were going out to a party, what his hat tutor will have been. He will have tried to pressure me just to smoke. Come on, girl, it's not gonna kill you. Try it for for for I assuming that's the way that you will have said it. Come on, girl, it's not gonna kill you. Try it at least, uh, you know, uh uh uh uh for for for for for the first time, right? And okay, but I said no, I never smoke because I choose not to. I respect that you smoke, and I wish that you did that, but if I said that I'm not gonna smoke, I'm not gonna smoke. And if you were to ask for any explanation, I will simply say that does not work for me. And sometimes we have to have the courage to do it. Somebody may ask you to get involved in a in some type of behavior that you know it's not it's not the way you operate, it's not the way you move, it's not you. Don't try to get into something that is not you just to please somebody because you're gonna say yes to that person and no to yourself. I'll rather hurt you if this is the way you wanna feel, because some people, when you say no to them, they claim that you know they are being hurt. If they will, if this is the way you feel, then I'll rather hurt you instead of hurting myself. If you ask me to involve in certain behaviors that I know it's not me, behaviors that I never wanted to engage uh uh myself into them, I'll simply say that doesn't work for me. Whether you like it or not, you're gonna have to deal with it. And if I were to force you to engage into something that you know that does not work for you, you know, you have to be open and laid it out. Ipoly, I'm sorry, that does not work for me. And if it is something that you're just not available at this moment to do, let's say, for example, you know, you were invited to go somewhere, and so you had other planes, and you don't want to you wanna go, you you know, you wanna go along with your plans, and no, simply say maybe another time, maybe another time. Oh, you know, there is a concert going on. Uh, let's say, um, this morning I've heard in the news that uh Jay-Z is gonna have a concert over the summer. I think it's two concert, and people you know are already talking about it. And let's assume that you know a friend probably comes and say, Oh, girl, you don't you know Jay-Z is having a concert? Let's go to Jay-Z concert. And I probably, you know, had already purchased a plane ticket to travel around that time. Or maybe if I didn't buy that plane ticket, maybe around that time I already planned, hey, I'm gonna travel and I will go to this country or that country. And so it's like, oh come on, you haven't even purchased your ticket yet. Let's go to that concert. I'll simply say, Hey, I love Jay-Z, but at this point, no, I I I already planned, you know, to go somewhere, maybe another time. It was simple, maybe another time, another time, maybe, but this time I'll keep to I'll I'll stick to my plan. I'm traveling. Where do you need better boundaries? What will you say no to this week? Because I know myself, I know the people around me, I know my uh uh uh my friends, I know my family members, and I know everybody, and even people at work, and all those examples that I just gave, sometimes it can be work-related too. Because at work, you know, for many of most of us, you know, watching or listening, you know, so you you work at some point in your life, whether you are still working or retired or self-employed, regardless. So boundaries at work is something that we have to imply at all times. Let's say, for example, so you may have your caseload, you know, a caseload with 30 patients or or what have you, and you have another worker for whatever reason who's always behind. And it's okay to help a co-worker that is um, you know, sometimes behind. So it's like, hey, sometimes a you know, if uh there is a requirement for some uh project to finish at a certain time, and you see somebody is behind, hey, I'll uh you know, I'll go that extra mile to be of assistance because at the end of the day, you want the agency to look good and you want to be a good coworker to your co-worker, but not a co-worker will be taking advantage at all times, not a co-worker will spend all time, you know, only God knows doing other things. And when it comes to finish his or her work, knowing that hey, you always dear to assist, and you you you know, and you're not gonna let that person take a advantage. So it's like, hey, you may ask, you know, that co-worker may come and ask you for something, and you already know that that person had all the time to finish her work. You kind of like observe, you know, all other activities that person got engaged throughout the day, but didn't bother to finish the job on time. So, and if you know if you take time off from your time from your job to assist that person, you may not finish on time. Yeah, I'll assist you, but I'm not gonna be in the office until 6 or 7 to assist you while you could have finished that work way before. But if it was something that you did not fully understand and you needed help, even if I were to stay in the office at 10 o'clock at 10 p.m., I'll stay to be of assistance. But if I see that you are a type, you know, who like to take advantage, oh man, I'll be I'll be so quick to say no. I'll be so quick to say no. Because it's like we have to be able to distinguish when somebody is taking advantage and when somebody is in need. If you are taking advantage, I will say no in the morning, in the afternoon, in the during the day, all day long, all month long, all year long. Because you're not gonna take advantage. And uh and it goes even for managers. Sometimes, you know, as a good employers, they always you know, they always try to bring you new new tasks. They always try to bring you new tasks because they know that you're not gonna say no. And and they always try to pick up your brain to have new ideas, new ideas. When after they pick up your brain, you know, they will not give you credit, you know. So it's like they built on the project based on the ideas that you provided them. But when they finally come with uh you know the actual work. Your name was will not mention anywhere. After I experienced that one time, a second time, there won't be a third time. So the third time you come and ask me for my opinion, uh, how we can address that, my answer is will be, I don't know. Do you want to take on that project? No. So it doesn't mean that you're not a good employee. You're still a good employee. You're gonna come and do your job, but you have to keep your eyes open and know when they are, you know, you are they are being taking advantage of you because hey, you can be it's okay to be a good employee, it's okay, okay to have great work at it, but hey, know also when they are taking advantage and be comfortable to say, no, it does not work for me another time, and uh this week, so it's like I want you know, each of you, each of you watching or listening, you know, to find something that uh you can say no to, and when you say no to it, you're gonna be comfortable. When you say no to it, you're not gonna feel guilty. When you so say no to it, you're not gonna say, Oh man, I wish that I did not, and you're gonna, and if you say no to it, you will not allow anybody to guilt trip you, knowing that you didn't do anything wrong, knowing that hey, you say no to that person because it was vital to say yes to you. And uh, I'm looking at the time, it's already 46 minutes. I'm not gonna keep everybody, I'm not gonna keep you too long. I think you know, so it's like now it's time to go. So before uh I go, let me say this boundaries is important to set up. You have to, you have to, it's a must, and when you set up boundaries, you say no when you have to to say no, and you check people when you have to check them. It's important because you know what? At the end of the day, you deserve peace, not pressure. I'm gonna repeat it again. You deserve peace, not pressure. You deserve peace, not pressure. Start choosing yourself. Okay. It was a pleasure to have you all watching or listening. I'll see you next time. Ciao.