Your world with Dr. Beatrice Hyppolite
Hello,
I am Dr. Marie Beatrice Hyppolite. I hold a doctorate in Health Science with emphasis on Global Health and master’s degree in social work. I have over 14 years of experience in the field of health and human services.
This podcast is primarily focused on mental health and the quality-of-life elements that affect it such as divorce, death, domestic violence, trauma, toxic relationships, and single parenthood to name a few. It is no secret that mental health challenges continue to profoundly impact modern society although not enough discussion is given due to stigma. Research has shown an increase of 25 % in mental health crises after COVID-19. It is important to have honest, uncomfortable conversations about mental health while being supportive. Although we are interdependent, change begins with the individual, hence “your world.”
I welcome you to join me on my journey and look forward to your responses.
Your world with Dr. Beatrice Hyppolite
Human Connection, Attachment, and Emotional Development
Discover the transformative power of human connection and resilience as we welcome the insightful Dr. Tatiana Hains to our conversation. As we journey through her experiences from working with individuals with severe mental health challenges to her current role with the Department of Education, Dr. Hains shares how her understanding of attachment styles has become central to her therapeutic approach. Her dedication to merging spirituality with clinical practice offers a fresh perspective on fostering hope and trust in therapeutic settings.
Our discussion takes a poignant turn as we examine the profound impact of early relationships on emotional development. Through the lens of a child's story facing the loss of a parent, we underscore the often-overlooked need to grieve these pivotal losses. By drawing on John Bowlby's attachment theory, we highlight how these early bonds can shape an individual's sense of identity and self-worth, influencing their lifelong relationships and perceptions of the world.
As we delve into the intricacies of childhood attachment styles, we outline the characteristics and consequences of secure and insecure attachments. From the nurturing environment that fosters secure attachment to the challenges posed by anxious-avoidant and disorganized styles, we explore the long-lasting effects these patterns have on self-reliance and emotional suppression. The conversation extends to address the societal implications of inconsistent parenting, emphasizing the critical need for stable family structures for healthy child development. Join us to understand how these foundational experiences shape the emotional landscapes we navigate throughout our lives.
Hello everyone, I'm Dr Beatrice Hippolyte, and this is your World. Today we have the privilege to have with us on the show Dr Tatiana Haynes. Hello, dr Haynes, how are you doing? Very good? Thank you so much. Dr Hippolyte, I know today you're here to talk about a very specific topic, a topic that you know that is very close to your heart, and before we even begin with your presentation, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Speaker 2:Well, dr Hippolyte, I am a person that really believes in how humanity functions in our society. Currently I work with the Department of Education. I work with children, but you know there was a time when, before I worked with children, I worked at visiting their service with the chronic, severely people diagnosed with severe, chronic mental health disorders such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, severe depression, and one of the major major contributions to seeing how people were able to evolve and try and feel like they were able to heal from that process. I'm not saying they healed from the diagnosis, because that takes medication and it's severe, but they were able to.
Speaker 2:The fact that I brought my human compassion, my ability to build connection right, that is what I feel like. That's my gift in this world. I worked at visiting nurse Service for 11 years. That was the job that really made me see how the importance of mental and emotional health and spiritual health yes, how that has an impact on helping people heal or they could stagnate and not heal helping people heal or they could stagnate and not heal and the fact that I was an intensive case manager, going into the home and meeting the person in their environment but bringing a message of hope and building that connection where I was nonjudgmental, I came as a servant. I didn't come to judge, I came to say let's work together.
Speaker 1:As you should not, or nobody should not. Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Let's work together on what are the challenges in your life and let me walk alongside you and help you navigate these challenges and the stressors that come. Because stress, we know, triggers symptoms, right, because stress, we know, triggers symptoms, right. So that was one of the first jobs that really had I mean, I had other jobs before that, but that was the population that really touched my heart and so after that I went on to work at Rikers as well, and then, now, working with the Department of Education, with youth, I'm a SAPIS counselor where I deal with substance and abuse prevention and intervention. I work with elementary students and middle schools. With the elementary we don't really do the substance intervention. We do a lot of social emotional learning, prevention, right.
Speaker 2:And so, again, the topic that I'm going to be talking about, about building attachments, seeing young children. When I pick them up and I'm like, hey, sweetheart, how you doing it, they just bloom what they want your age. Elementary I have from kindergarten to fifth grade, and middle school is sixth, seventh and eighth grade, and children are going through a lot of challenges in home, out of home, a lot of what's happening in our society, and so there's a lot of fear there, through a lot of challenges in home, out of home, a lot of what's happening in our society, and so there's a lot of fear, there's a lot of anxiety, you know. And so, again, first I went and got my bachelor's in psychology, then I got my master's in mental health counseling, and then I went on to get my doctorate in health sciences, and now I'm leaning more towards I mean, I feel the Lord is directing me in terms of following Christian counseling, biblical counseling, because I want to bring the impact of spirituality, faith and clinical combined together exactly.
Speaker 1:You know that's a good work, that's a very impressive project that you are working on and, believe it, it or not, there is a serious connection between faith and mental health.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, yes, yes. God created us, he already programmed our minds, he knew spiritually what we needed. You know the field of mental health, the number one. You know, you and I, what do they say? When you're trying to do therapy with somebody or offer supportive counseling, the first thing they want you to do is to build a trusting relationship, build a rapport. Right, let me invite, let me get you to trust me, so that you can, you can feel comfortable to show your vulnerability, because in order for me to open up to you, I have to trust you.
Speaker 1:Yes, because it's like whatever that I'm going to share with you. I want to make sure that, hey, not only you're not going to judge me, but you're not going to go around and spread my story to everybody that you can possibly spread that story to. So that's why, you know, trust becomes such a valid or significant component into that process.
Speaker 2:Yes, and mental health is all about mental health professionals, the psychologists, the psychiatrists, the social worker, everybody.
Speaker 2:The foundation is building a rapport, building a trusting relationship. Let me interact with you, and so this is why I brought this topic today about attachment styles and relational trauma, because in my field of work, all these years, my experience, one of the major contributions that I've seen that impacts the mental, emotional and spiritual health of a person, a relational health of a person, is the lack of attachment that took place in childhood, okay, and so I really want to talk about how I see that when that person I always would ask like oh, you know, how is home life, how is? And there are little pieces of information that come out that you see that the bonding, the years of development, that when bonding was supposed to take place and I'm not saying this is cookie cutter across the board, I'm not saying it's the end, all be all, but you would, I would learn from people's life experiences that the bonding was ruptured, yes, there was a disruption in the bonding, and that developmental time is a fragile time.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to talk about um, john, Bowlby, you know, often time, you know, to really assess a problem you have to go to the root of that problem. And I remember, you know, a colleague many years ago, share an experience that he encountered with a child who was sent to therapy because there was some serious behavior problems going on, and to to many, the school, the mother, they thought that the child was just acting funny or behaving that way just because. But at the end of the day it seemed, when the therapies kind of went deeper into the problem to really find out, hey, before that period, how the child used to behave, the child never had issue, never, not even once. And so the problem started. You know, like you know, maybe for three or four weeks, and during that period of time when the therapist went and dig, digger, digger, so to find out, during that period the mother and the father, there was a breakup between those two.
Speaker 1:Now he's that child who used to live with two parents, yes, and for four weeks the father was out of the house and the father used to be the one who would pick her from school and drop her to school and before I even know it, the mother brought a brand new person into her life. So now the child was dealing with a lot. The transition of not having her father in her life and living under the same roof as her was a challenge. But to bring a brand new person now that she's kind of like was obligated or required to call father, while she was already missing her own biological father, a father that she trusted in.
Speaker 1:A father that she loves and she knows that. She knows that her father loves her back. Yes, not having that's a loss. So it's like you know for being a child I don't know how old the child was at that time, but being a child that was a great loss. Yeah, you know for her to deal with and not knowing how to manipulate or to navigate through that situation. So she was just acting out. So the behavior was just like a Christ you know for for help she's expressing the pain, yeah yes.
Speaker 1:So yes, that's a good topic, and you know what I'm waiting, and I'm pretty sure my viewers are waiting to hear what you have for us.
Speaker 2:So you have our ears. Oh, thank you so much, dr Hippolyte, because you know, talking about the experience of this child, this is what really speaks to my heart, that I see. It's almost like humanity is bleeding, right, because this is a wound that it can be healed. It can be, it can be worked through. But people don't like that little child. They don't even realize that they're dealing with their. They need to grieve that loss, they need to grieve that separation, right, and society doesn't like to talk about loss and grief and death. It's like you lost somebody. Come back to work two weeks later. You know you're at work. Oh, how you know? How are you? People even want to ask how are you dealing with the loss? I'm okay, I'm all right, but they kind of want it's better if you put the mask on.
Speaker 2:So you know, losing attachments, losing relationships, is something that we really should put more in the forefront. And so I'm going to talk about John Bowlby, who I love, who is the one that established the attachment theory and, based on this extensive research, john Bowlby discovered that again, like I said, when the emotional bond with the parent or the caregiver was disrupted, or if the bonding was a style that was insecure. That child or that person interprets that bond as they bring that as part of their identity, based on the style of relationship, based on the attachment style, the way that the parent and the caregiver relate to you and I. Growing up, we then see the world based on that experience. That's how we form our world, that's how we make meaning in life. And so a child, when they're born they are not, according to Bowlby we are naturally pre-programmed to attach to the parent, to the caregiver. That is something. And there we go again with the Lord, you know, we feel like the Lord gave birth and we're to attach with the people that gave birth to us, right? And so the child becomes naturally inclined, because the child is seeking love, nurture, safety.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the caregiver, the parent and I'm going to use caregiver and parent interchangeably, the, the caregiver and the parent role. Their role is the role of I am not, I'm going to keep you from danger, I'm going to keep you safe, I'm not going to let any harm come to you, right? And so that child is automatically, uh, you know, running to mommy, running to daddy, running to the caregiver, because you're my refuge, like the bible says, you're my strong tower, like, like when we are overwhelmed. Even in in Psalm 61, the scripture says I'm so overwhelmed, lord, I'm overwhelmed, I'm running. In Psalm 4 too, I'm running. Attend to my cry, I'm running to you, you're my refuge, you're my strength, you're my tower of safety. So the child, automatically. We're pre-programmed, all humans, we're pre-programmed to seek our adult for that type of safety and I'm glad that you mentioned that.
Speaker 1:even you know, like a child, a two, three, four years old, even when, if they were not behaving the way they were supposed to and they were like you know you, just some parents sometimes just give them a little spin, they will cry, but before they know it, while they're, they will just calling at their mothers or the caregiver legs, you know. So it's like to tell you. So it's like they don't know exactly what happened, but they still trust you. They know that, hey, that's my mother, that's my father, that's my caretaker. So it's like, whatever that is going on, but you are the person I'm still going to seek the love and the care and the safety from.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and so it's great that you said about the child, because John Bowlby says that the critical years that the child learns about bonding is from zero to five years old. So that is where they start to make that meaning, to five years old. So that is where they start to make that meaning, that is where they start to create like an understanding of, okay, this is who I am, this is my world, this is what's happening, and so one of the most important contributions that John Bowlby said is that now my self-worth, your self-worth, is based on how we were treated as a child. So now we start to form our identity based on that bonding style. I mean, I just love John Bowlby. Okay, let me stay focused, because I can go.
Speaker 1:No, but he makes a perfect sense. Like they always say, words have power. Yes, yes, you know, when you speak a word, that word, you can turn it into reality. Yes, and that's why you know. Growing up as a child, I've always heard people say you don't talk, you know to your child a certain way, you don't wish a certain thing upon you, upon your child, because that can become a reality. I've heard, you know, you know people who will tell their kids you will never amount to anything. You are a loser. You are this, you are that. At the end of the day, you have that child. If that child, for whatever reason, never had the opportunity to have God embrace him or to have other people down the road being put on his or her path to lead him or her in a different direction or make him or her believe that you are worth of something, that child can grow up with some very serious low self-esteem.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that's exactly what Bowlby says will happen. You've just hit it on the nail. That's exactly what he said would happen. He said that that child develops a.
Speaker 2:This is called implicit. It's an internal working model. It's like that child is growing up and the parent that is insecure, or the parent that is saying you don't amount to anything that child now is, is recording it the, the mind, the way the mind. It's almost like there's a mental recording, like a video, the mind is videotaping it and the child doesn't understand. It's just some the way our brain operates. And he says this internal working model that he calls this concept. He says that now this child is hearing this and this child is seeing this behavior and hearing this, and so now that becomes the core belief we know in cbt that they talk about core beliefs, right. And so this core belief becomes who I am. That is so. If I can't amount to anything now my life is based on, I can't amount to anything. So now this child is in school, they don't have the motivation, the encouragement, they can't even focus.
Speaker 1:Because there is no urge. I already know that I'm here. I don't even know why I'm here, because I will not make it, I will not amount to anything. So it's like you know, you create a cage, you place a child in it and you say you know what? You are an animal.
Speaker 2:All my life I'm gonna be ever search yes, yes, you've given me this label and that is what I've learned. That is my, that's learned behavior, that's what I was taught. So this is how I'm going to think, this is how I'm going to behave and this is how I'm going to interact with exactly because that was what I was taught and learned how to who I am right. Oh, my goodness, you know we're already like going, but let you know what that's great. That's great because I'm just going to jump into the attachment styles that that, bobi, because when you have that type of mindset, core belief, what John Bobi says is that that doesn't stay into childhood, it transfers and carries on with us into adulthood.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, and now we see, let's talk about some young girls who have low self-esteem. They may be in a relationship with a guy who if, if the parent was abusive, verbally abusive they you know how. Sometimes you may see the girl involved in a relationship with a man who's verbally abusive. They do gaslighting. They verbally or physically are abusive and you're like why are you in this?
Speaker 1:type of relationship. That's the way my parents used to have it.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and so we have to have compassion and understanding when somebody is in that type of relationship. Not to be judgmental, we have to get to know what brought you into that type of relationship. Where is that coming from?
Speaker 1:Again and again going to the root of the problem, Going to the root.
Speaker 2:And so let's talk about the four attachment styles that John Bowlby talks about. I just love, love, love, love. The first attachment style he talks about is the secure attachment style, and I'm going to be looking at my notes because I want to make sure that your viewers have accurate information and my listeners too, because the show is being heard on Amazon Music, spotify, buzz, pratt and Apple Music and so on and so off.
Speaker 1:I have about 12 different channels where the show is being heard well then, we are so thankful for our viewers and our listeners.
Speaker 2:And listen, we are not coming with a spirit of condemnation here, we are coming with a spirit of hope. We want the visit, viewers and listeners to know that that there is hope and healing in relational trauma. And it is not your fault. You don't walk around with that self blame mentality, because and and not to blame your parents, neither because- they didn't know either.
Speaker 1:yes, when you don't know better, you cannot know better. Maya Angelou said that.
Speaker 2:Yes yes. And the Bible says that. Jesus said my people perish due to lack of knowledge. So we don't want anybody getting angry at their parent retaliating. As a matter of fact, you have compassion. You say, wow, my parent didn't understand either. And maybe their parent's parent, your grandparent.
Speaker 1:This is like a generational pattern, relational style that is passed down from generation to generation and sometimes you know it's like certain challenges that your parents put you through, and sometimes you know it's like certain challenges that your parents put you through. You have to ask God for that strength and willingness and capability to kind of like live, pass by. Yes, you know, and push yourself. Yes, and I remember when I came out with my book there is a chapter that I titled the Badly Unwrapped Gift from my father.
Speaker 1:And I know, if my father didn't push me or didn't treat me the way that he treated me, I would never have that willingness, that urge to further educate myself, because all he wanted to me it was like after 12th grade to that was the end. But you know so because you know, hey, god probably had better plans and I had better plans for myself. Yes, and I knew that God only used my father to donate this poem to my mother to conceive me. But at the end of the day, it was not up to my father to write the chapters of my life. My life was given to me as a gift by God and I had to take care of that life.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and he called you in your mother's womb. You already were chosen to succeed, already chosen. The enemy put people in our lives and situations to make us to break us down, but when you stayed connected to God, he brought you from that tomb, that grave, and he said, jeremiah 29,. I got plans for you, plans for you to thrive, and that's what we want our viewers and listeners to know. It's not a mistake that you're hearing this message today, because God has plans for you, and so you are not the only person that's been scarred and wounded by relational trauma.
Speaker 2:So let me talk about the first attachment style. There's four attachment styles. One is secure. The second one is anxious, avoidant. The third is anxious, ambivalent, and the last one is disorganized. These are the four attachment styles in children, because there's also four in adults that I will discuss. But the first one is a secure attachment style. This is the healthy attachment style. Here we see the child expressing a need. You could see it's an emotional need or behavioral need. The child is crying. Maybe the child is crying because they're hungry they're wet you know.
Speaker 2:And so this child crying, here it is. The parent and caregiver approaches the child. They nurture the child. They pick up the child. What's the matter, sweetheart? And they rock the child. They check the child's need let me change the diaper. What's the matter? And they rock the child. They check the child's need, let me change the diaper. What's the matter? They soothe the child. We see lovingness is taking place. We see nurturing is taking place. They're speaking in soothing, gentle tones.
Speaker 1:This child is and sometimes they only need that body interaction.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm so glad you said that, because the connection, the connection going into the body, they see, oh, I'm going into a safe place, yes, I'm going to be. Response right. And so this child, now their world is oh, if, even if they were running around and they fell, they got a boo-boo and you pick them up and you, oh, what's my? You got a boo-boo. Let mommy oh, I'm okay, you see them get up. They go run again because they they feel safe in their environment. Right, so this is the secure. So this child is like going to school. This child is confident. This child can deal with conflict and relationships because they understand that I'm okay, I'm protected, there's, I can withstand anything. Right, and they could see strength and weaknesses in other people, because I fall, I got weak.
Speaker 1:But I was taught to stand up and I was comforted right.
Speaker 2:So that's secure, that's secure. Let's discuss the three insecure attachments, because those are the ones that really are impacting what we see in our populations that we work with. So you know, some of us is with children, some of us is with those who are incarcerated, some of us, some of them are with those who are in foster care, and you know, there's just so many populations. And I'm going to say this, dr Hippolyte, even in the church, oh yeah, it's everywhere. Even in the church, oh yeah, it's everywhere.
Speaker 1:Even in the church and it's universal, this relational, and when I say it's everywhere, it's because everywhere that you have people.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, it's a humanity, it's a situation with humanity, right, okay? So the second attachment style, and this here we're going to explore insecure attachment style. These styles are where the relationship from the caregiver we see maltreatment. It's going to be very sensitive because it could trigger people what they're hearing today. And we're not trying to trigger anybody, we're just trying to bring a knowledge and information so that one can understand that I can grow and heal from this.
Speaker 2:So the anxious, avoidant child this is the second attachment style. This child is crying, um, for example, wants to be picked up too. Maybe they lost a toy and they're crying I want to to be picked up. However, here the parent tends to reject and withdraw. The parent does not interact with the child. This child is left crying to comfort themselves and with that, no interaction. As a result, this child is With that, no interaction. As a result, this child is learning that I can't even express my need, I can't express my pain. I might as well not even speak about my emotions. So I'm going to shut off. I'm going to cut it off. I'm going to shut down.
Speaker 1:I remember reading a book when I was in undergrad I don't even know who the author was, but it was a psychologist who said you know, kids can be great manipulators as well, even when they are little. And if you know that the child was fed, the child is not wet. The child. Sometimes they just want to be pampered. When it's time for them to sleep, you put them in that crib or the bed so they have to sleep because it's sleeping time. But some of them will not stay in there to sleep. They want you to carry them. And that man said that it's okay if you let them cry for a while. It doesn't mean that you don't love them. You're not trying to create a bond or some type of attachment with them but at the same time, talking boundaries have to be set even at a very early age.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and that's why it's so important to have the secure attachment, because the secure attachment, the child is comforted. But they don't have to be comforted every single time, like you're saying. They can be comforted and they start to learn more and more independently like, hey, I'll be okay, I can get back up, I can arise from the situation. But the child that is in this anxious, ambivalent, the caregiver never even shows the comforting, nurturing side. So now this child is left in a world, in an environment, in a household that is anybody there that cares about, about me? Does anybody see me? Does anybody hear me? Right? And so this child starts to believe that I'm not worthy of having my needs being met. So if I'm not worthy, then I'm going to stop asking for needs to be fulfilled.
Speaker 2:One of the things that John Bowlby talked about is that that child creates like a blueprint. There's a blueprint created and that blueprint is you know, you know, like engineers, like they do, they have a blueprint right, Like, like, like. So inside our brain we create a blueprint and the blueprint is like when I cry, I don't have anybody to meet my needs, so let me just stay quiet, Let me just stay inside and not say anything.
Speaker 1:And that child down the road can grow up to internalize everything, because from a very young age that's what she or he learned. Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:And so here is my identity being formed right now, that I don't ask for any help, I don't ask for needs being met, so, and we'll see how this person starts to relate as an adult. But this child will not ask for any needs and they will actually even. You'll see that child in the playground If somebody is like can I play with you? No, we don't want to play with you. They'll go and sit by themselves or they'll just stay by themselves, like I don't even want to ask to be played with, so I'm not worthy for you to even play with you in the playground. You see, this is how it becomes ingrained. So we're going on to the next, the anxious, ambivalent. This is another, a third type of insecure attachment style. And this caregiver. The child is crying, but this caregiver gives mixed emotional signals.
Speaker 2:They do nurture you know. Oh, okay, you're right, okay Sometimes when you're right, okay sometimes when you cry. But sometimes when you cry, they don't pay you no mind. They don't they, they're unavailable, they're distracted. So here I am, if, if I'm showing you that I'm nurturing you and and I'm comforting you, and you see now, you see, you talked about that book, so this is where it has to be. Very, it could be a slippery slope. It has to be like. There always has to be a balance. So I'm crying, I don't have, I'm feeling a little bit like insecure Because you comfort me. Sometimes I'm coming to you as a child, but now I'm in pain, but you don't see me, I don't exist. I'm busy right now, unavailable. Could you leave me alone? Like, go away, go play, go play, get out of here. See that tone? That's a mixed message, because it's one thing to say, sweetheart mommy, it's busy right now. Can we talk about?
Speaker 1:it later.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's the secure, that's different. But the parent that's like what do you want? Why are you get out of my face? Leave me alone, can't you see I'm? I wish you weren't born, ahhh.
Speaker 1:I cannot be on your face as my mother, as the caretaker. It's very painful and it's hard to live on that without dealing with uh, some serious trauma, yes, but the but the parent themselves are dealing with something, they're dealing with a challenge and they it's, it's.
Speaker 2:They don't know what to do. They're in a, they're in a crisis or they're having a situation and they don't know what to do with the child because they themselves because, yeah, themselves they have unsolved, yes, unresolved trauma issues you know so and unfortunately, before women started a relationship, they didn't know either.
Speaker 1:They didn't know the importance of solved that uh issue prior getting into another relationship or building a family on their own. Because it's like whatever unresolved issues that you had in your own life you know, going up as a child and you bring that into your parenting. So it's going to destroy your kids before you even know it. All the experiences that you used to complain about having at your parents house now so you expose your kid, your own kids, to deal with the same thing.
Speaker 2:We see like the repetition of the cycle yes, yes, and you know psychologists, the research shows that sometimes, even in the womb, the child's attachment to the parent, if the mother is going through some type of crisis or trauma, the child already starts to pick up on that trauma. Their environment is not safe. So that's why, you see, some babies can come out. They're very, very needy, crying all the time, calling because perhaps that the mom had a difficult pregnancy or things was challenging, we don't know.
Speaker 2:This is the way the cycle starts to begin, the generational cycle, the pattern, right, like you said. And so now this anxious, ambivalent child who is trying to, sometimes the caregiver is okay, I see you, I'll help you, and then sometimes leave me alone, get away, shut up this person, now this child. They will seek contact from people, but then they'll pull away. They'll seek and they'll pull away. So they start to have a push-pull relationship that is going on I'm with you, but then I pull away. I'm with you and I pull away. And that's because of that mixed signal that they learned from the parent, right, that anxious, ambivalent. Their emotions go up and down between negative and positive. It shifts quickly and they tend to have poor regulation, self-regulation, like they can't regulate their emotions that well, because their world was a little bit confusing. So their emotions are very in a confused state, so they can go high or low.
Speaker 1:I often heard people who are not professional in the field of psychiatry, mental health or social work to call them like oh, this or that person, you know, she or he has bipolar.
Speaker 2:Ah yes. And that's not necessarily bipolar.
Speaker 1:That's what I said people who are not you know who are not a professional in the field, because we have people who are not professional in the field, who tend to diagnose people whenever they feel like.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, even with children. You know, sometimes a kid comes in and they're like oh, this child has ADHD, this child has ADD. But sometimes the kid can't focus. It's not because they have ADHD or ADD, they can't focus because maybe they're in the home.
Speaker 1:There is something going on. There's chaos in the home. There's chaos in the home. Yes, mommy and daddy are fighting every day, or sometimes they know they will be going home and there won't be nobody, so they will be left with a grandma who probably legally blight so, and now they need assistance from mommy and daddy, and those people are not available for them, and knowing that, you know what. So and so, my friend, they have the father, the mother available, so and they feel that, hey, their friends are being loved because it all compared to them. So, believe it or not, while children, we may treat them or see them as children, but always understand that they have feelings, concerns and everything. So they have worries too.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes and they don't know how to express that worry. So they're. They're the little girl that you were talking about that just starts acting out and behaving.
Speaker 1:Except, you know, know the difference, you know when to spoil, when to correct and discipline, and know that, hey, when we have a child who is being just a manipulator, yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that's why parenting is not easy.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Because you have to discern all of these parts of your child's character right. This child is the one that will scream loud and act loud so that people can see them or hear them, so that they can get some type of attention. So there's a little bit of manipulation that could take place, but we don't call it manipulation, we call it survival, adaptive technique.
Speaker 1:Or crying for help.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, this is the adaptive way that I had to learn to get some type of recognition that I'm alive, I'm a human being.
Speaker 1:Because it's always been that way for me. Yes, so if I don't put my foot down, so if I don't cry out, lord, you know, my voice will not be heard, will not be heard, will not be heard so sometimes now this they have to even start to do this with their parents.
Speaker 2:They they start to exaggerate. I need you to exaggerate something that could be minor. They exaggerate it so that they could get the attention of the parent, but that parent will. You don't know what signal. It's almost like I don't want to say Jekyll and Hyde, but you don't know which signal. It's almost like I don't want to say Jekyll and Hyde, but you don't know which face of your parent you're going to receive that day. That's a lot of inconsistency, yeah, and so now that child has a hard time.
Speaker 1:They're very dysregulated, they can't regulate their emotions and when you're not being consistent, that's a very bad approach. Yes, to wait children Very bad approach.
Speaker 2:Very, very bad Because that child doesn't have a solid foundation. The foundation is crickety. Remember. The Bible said you know the house that's built on the solid. When the winds come and the toss and the ocean and the wave, they will not be shaken.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know what, dr Ains. It is so unfortunate that we live in a society that seems not to value like a good household with the presence of a mother and a father. Yes, my principle. Yes, I always say it takes two people to bring a child into this world. Yes, it should have took two people to raise that child. Yes, I understand sometimes, you know situation occurred. I love what you're saying. Situation occurred.
Speaker 1:You know, if that person is sick and physically or mentally, you know he's is not capable of being that the father figure or mother figure in the house. I got that. If the person pass away, the mother or the father pass away, now you have to raise that child on your own. I got that. But there are people out there, oh my goodness, who just deliberately go out there and get involved into sexual activities and get pregnant, sometimes may not know who the father you know is because they were not dealing with only one person. Or the guy who deliberately knew that he was not ready to conceive or to be a father, or to be active or to commit into, you know, with any woman in his life, but deliberately went out there and had unprotected sex. Have somebody pregnant and later want to claim I don't want to be a father. So that would be a whole different subject. So you have to come back.